I chopped my hair off yesterday.
That in and of itself isn't all that miraculous. I've done it before.
But I finally got it cut the way *I* wanted it. Not the way I felt like other people would like it, not the way I felt would make me more marketable as an actor, not the way I felt would make me look less fat. A cute short asymmetrical cut with bangs. Like I've wanted for years but just couldn't ask for as if my hairstylist would say I had no business getting such a cute and trendy cut. And guess what? Despite being a hairstyle my ED wanted to determine is "fat girl hair", it looks adorable! I LOVE it! It totally suits me and my personality and I'm thrilled.
I'd say that in parts of the back I got about 11 inches cut off. Crazy. Washing my hair this morning was totally bizzare as there wasn't even enough hair for me to wash it the way I usually do. I had to wash my hair like I imagine boys do! Hahaha I feel a sense of lightness. Both physically and emotional. I have beautiful hair. I know this as it's always been the one thing I could cling to as knowing it could get complimented no matter how horrible I felt about myself otherwise. Curly, beautiful color....it was my safety net of sorts for a long long time.
In the past few years I got into a cycle of growing it out to a shapeless mess and then bobbing it. Rinse, lather, repeat. Really, I got away with not having to invest in my appearance because my hair was a magical deflector shield. I wouldn't be forced to deal with what I looked like since I had that one great feature that seemed to get more powerful to hide behind the less I did to it. Then, in my OCD way, one day I'd decide it HAD to get chopped off then and there. I'd call and call hair cut places until I could get in and get it done.
This time was different. I was choosing between two styles - one choice was to keep the length and get it shaped differently or to go short and totally different. I made an appointment and waited the week it took for me to get in. The biggest part? I didn't totally obsess about it in that week's time. In fact, I only decided on the short style a couple hours before the appointment.
I'm loving these moments of clarity and progess that I can identify as they're happening. I feel gorgeous and special with this new hair. And it can totally co-exist with the work I'm still doing on accepting my body and not be taken down and minimized because I'm not 100000% happy with my overall appearance. I'm accepting the awesomeness of my hair and can use that as a springboard for the other parts of me.
Who says the strength is in the LENGTH of the hair, Samson? Huh? Cutting my hair has made me stronger.