Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I chopped my hair off yesterday.

That in and of itself isn't all that miraculous.  I've done it before.

But I finally got it cut the way *I* wanted it.  Not the way I felt like other people would like it, not the way I felt would make me more marketable as an actor, not the way I felt would make me look less fat.  A cute short asymmetrical cut with bangs.  Like I've wanted for years but just couldn't ask for as if my hairstylist would say I had no business getting such a cute and trendy cut.  And guess what?  Despite being a hairstyle my ED wanted to determine is "fat girl hair", it looks adorable!  I LOVE it!  It totally suits me and my personality and I'm thrilled.

I'd say that in parts of the back I got about 11 inches cut off.  Crazy.  Washing my hair this morning was totally bizzare as there wasn't even enough hair for me to wash it the way I usually do.  I had to wash my hair like I imagine boys do!  Hahaha  I feel a sense of lightness.  Both physically and emotional.  I have beautiful hair.  I know this as it's always been the one thing I could cling to as knowing it could get complimented no matter how horrible I felt about myself otherwise.  Curly, beautiful color....it was my safety net of sorts for a long long time. 

In the past few years I got into a cycle of growing it out to a shapeless mess and then bobbing it.  Rinse, lather, repeat.  Really, I got away with not having to invest in my appearance because my hair was a magical deflector shield.  I wouldn't be forced to deal with what I looked like since I had that one great feature that seemed to get more powerful to hide behind the less I did to it.  Then, in my OCD way, one day I'd decide it HAD to get chopped off then and there.  I'd call and call hair cut places until I could get in and get it done.

This time was different.  I was choosing between two styles - one choice was to keep the length and get it shaped differently or to go short and totally different.  I made an appointment and waited the week it took for me to get in.  The biggest part?  I didn't totally obsess about it in that week's time.  In fact, I only decided on the short style a couple hours before the appointment.

I'm loving these moments of clarity and progess that I can identify as they're happening.  I feel gorgeous and special with this new hair.  And it can totally co-exist with the work I'm still doing on accepting my body and not be taken down and minimized because I'm not 100000% happy with my overall appearance.  I'm accepting the awesomeness of my hair and can use that as a springboard for the other parts of me.

Who says the strength is in the LENGTH of the hair, Samson?  Huh?  Cutting my hair has made me stronger.

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