Sunday, August 7, 2011

It's like a Britney Spears song medley....

Toxic.  Crazy.  Stronger.

Thanks to my lunatic sister, I have this week's therapy topic all set.


I'll spare everyone the rehashing of the details, but basically she sent an email to me last night filled with nastiness.  I've chosen to not respond at all to it because my textbook Narcissist sister WANTS that - she wants the drama and I'm chosing to not engage. 

Lots of tears from this chicka last night while I talked it out with my husband. Not because of what she said - she's crazy and no one who knows me would ever agree with what she said in that email - but because I'm just so tired of my family sucking. It's so disappointing to me that I have this family sometimes because I long for more. And have since I was a small child. It's just hard to come to terms with the idea that I need to accept that I'm not going to get a loving nurturing relationship from them. It's a HUGE part of what we're talking about in treatment therapy because it's one of my biggest wounds.  That feeling that no one is there for me to help me avoid being destroyed by things life throws my way.
We talk a lot in therapy about "matching expectations" when it comes to my family.  If they have reacted the same way over and over for 37 years, and over and over it's the source of sadness and pain for me, it's time to adjust my expectations.  It's crappy to have to do that when it comes to family, but it's part of blessing and releasing it and accepting it for what it is to be able to move forward from that point.  Because I've spent a lot of time in that place of wishing and hoping it would be different.  I'm a good person, a strong person, a person that other people are drawn to and enjoy being around.  If my family isn't capable of seeing that and supporting that, then I need to stop letting it hurt me.  It feeds all those ED messages that tell me how worthless I am and how I'm capable of nothing.

*sigh* So, yeah. It is what it is I guess. I just wish it wasn't.  But I'm not going to let that stop me from finding it from other people and from myself. 

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