Wednesday, August 31, 2011


The kid is a week away from starting 2nd grade.  That in and of itself is enough to tug at my heartstrings.  But some big changes are happening for her this year - brand new school building, her bestie isn't going to be in her same class and............she's riding the bus to and from school for the first time. 

I don't think I'm ready for it.  I know SHE is ready for it even though she tends to favor me in the realm of caution and anxiety.  She's the last pick up and the first drop off.  I'm so nervous for her but not because I don't think SHE can handle it.  It's causing me to react all flashbacky (you like how I'm smart enough to totally make up my own words?  I'm awesome.) and the anxiety I'm feeling is mostly linked to my brain dumping ME into that situation.  And the ED LOVES to find scenarios in which I'm too incapable to handle what's happening....even if they're completely fabricated and not at all about me.


It's a similar feeling to what I feel when anything 9/11 comes up.  I really and truly believe I have some PTSD from watching it all 10 days ago.  It hit something within my OCD that just paralyzed me.  The compulsion to force myself to watch every minute of coverage so that anyone who died would have a witness.  I sat there like it was my job and that if I missed anything people would die for nothing.

No pressue, huh?  Oy.

When they talk about a nation being changed, I feel the weight of that.  I feel like that was a defining moment for my emotional capabilities and the amount of fear and sadness and terror I felt triggered a huge downward spiral and a huge surge in my ED's power.  It found the biggest opening it could and grabbed on.  I felt so helpless and incapable in the days of watching the coverage and so scared.  ED jumped in and reaffirmed that over and over and over.  It's when I first started having panic attacks.  It's when I started the behavior of always needing to know how I'd escape a room reemerged having been under control since I put it away as a small child.  My brain drew up escape plans from cities, places I'd go to be safe.  ED was having an emotional buffet.

So here we are on the precipice of the kiddo's new adventure into the unknown and the anniversary of 9/11.  How I choose to handle it is going to make a difference.  The world doesn't depend on it like I have long told myself, but my emotional health does.  I'll be honest and say in this moment I've never been happier to not have cable TV.  That's going to be a huge help in cutting down on the compulsion to watch the coverage of that day over and over as I have every 9/11 for the past 10 years.  I know what I feel about it, I've bourne witness to the tragedy, now I need to close that wound and move past it.

As for my baby getting on the school bus, I'm going to do what so many other Moms do out there - I'm going to smile and talk excitedly about how fun the bus will be and I'm going to let her experience it for herself.  It's hard to let go of that little slice of your own soul walking around in a 7 year old's body but it needs the freedom to make its own way.  She's safe.  She's capable.  She's ready.

Just like me.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

In the interest of full disclosure....

I'm still struggling a smidge this morning.  I don't want to paint this process as something it's not.  I know I tend to have a positive spin on things but that's sort of my natural outlook.  So, in an effort to not gloss over some of these fluctuations, I'll just be honest.

I wasn't hungry until right this minute.  If you read last night's post, there was some overeating and impulses that I check in check once I noticed them.  I woke up full - obviously, given what I ate yesterday.  And I was content in not eating breakfast with the justification that over doing it last night evened out not eating this morning.  Especially since my body wasn't asking for more food, right?

Well, the first little hunger pangs hit about three minutes ago and my response was, "Well, you still shouldn't eat anything.  You had plenty yesterday."


So yeah, that voice is still there.  That voice of food as atonement/punishment.  Now I'm going to scramble to find something to eat before I leave for work to try knock that voice off balance and show it that eating food, even if it follows a big meal the day before is OK.

Then maybe it will shut its damn mouth.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Things I learned at the State Fair....

The State Fair has always been a giant excuse to binge away.  I'm not sure why anyone goes to the fair otherwise.  Seriously.  That's the only thing we ever did growing up while at the fair - "Money clip!" and the plastic sandpail of choclate cookies or the chocolate dipped bacon or the malt was all mine.  Gorge.  Gorge.  Gorge. 

In the more recent years, I've gone all sorts of ways with this gorge-fest.  Sometimes giving in, sometimes doing "OK" with balancing it and others, well, there was the year all I would eat were lime sno-cones.  Six of them.  And that's it for about 8 hours.

This year, I knew going in that I had a "situation" brewing with trying to attend, stay sane and stay active in my recovery process.  We're not to the place where I'm charting my fats, proteins, etc and having to make exchanges or anything.  So the trick really was how to be like a "normal" person at the fair.  Not get food lust the second a scent hit my nose and not being too scared to eat anything for fear of a binge.

And I was pretty successful.

How am I deciding that?  Well, I tasted the things I wanted to taste.  I didn't end up completely face down in a pile of fried cheese curds.  I only had one sno cone and even then as part of a varied day.  I didn't go insane and eat everything and I didn't go crazy and eat nothing. 

To me, that seems like a win.

How did I make that happen?  Well, before we went I decided to map out all the $1 and under things and the free things at the fair.  We sort of focused on finding those things and had a completely different experience than we usually do which *I* found to be fun and interesting.  Maybe no one else did, but they didn't say anything so who cares.  LOL  The only improvement I think I could have made while at the fair was more water.  But otherwise, I'm pretty happy.

Here's the other thing I learned.  When we're coming back into town, I need to have a meal planned for the return.  When I am tired, the stupid urge to binge is at its strongest.  Mindless eating and eating.  If a meal would have been planned/available this evening I'd like to think that I wouldn't have eaten the amount I did of frozen pizza.  Which is to say was a LOT and MORE than I needed to feel full.  ANd I kept eating it and eating it because I was exhausted and not keeping accountable.  Once I keyed in on that, I stopped.  And have completely fought that nagging urge to get rid of the pizza from my system.  That impulse isn't gone and honestly, I have no idea if it ever will be.  Will it be?  But, the victory is in the not actually acting on it.  At least to me.  Sort of like when I want to ram into some idiot driver with my car and I don't. 

Not acting on the crazies makes them a victory.

I may start making bumper stickers with that gem.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Drive by posting!

I'm here!!  Just a little hectic right now....

  • I'm super glad we don't have cable TV right now or I would be obsessing about the hurricane (which is nowhere NEAR me!) and the upcoming anniversary of 9/11.  For real.  And I'm thankful for not having the opportunity to sit and torture myself.
  • This whole refinancing thing is intense!  Oy.  Once we get through the appraisal I'll feel a smidge better but until it closes, I'm going to be on pins and needles.
  • I had a party!  8 girlfriends over to my house and it was a rousing SUCCESS!!  And I was pretty calm throughout.  I could have done better with trying other people's food and drink, but baby steps, right?  I'm already thinking of ideas for the next one!
  • Heading out of town in about a half hour.  Should have a good time.  One last trip before the school year starts back up.
  • Speaking of school, we got the kiddo's bussing information.  It's fabulous in terms of schedule and where she's getting picked up - FINALLY.  I think we've agreed to me dropping her off in the mornings on my way to work and then her riding the bus home.  It's hard for the control freak in me, but sometimes the lazy lady inside wins out.  :)
That's it for right now.  I have to go finish packing!  See you in a few!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

In my happy place....

OK, I calmed down this morning, ate the oatmeal and lived.  Shocking, huh?  LOL  I also followed my meal plan all day PLUS added a special post-kid's soccer game ice cream treat.  So there.

I felt that needed to be said.

Just EAT the OATMEAL!!


Breakfasts.  Still turning me into a cranky 2 year old.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Ice Ice Baby....

I went for another walk/run today.  With the dog.  Who I have suspicions of working for Candid Camera or something with how many times he tried to trip me and splay me out across the pavement.

It almost didn't happen.

My back has been a source of ill-repute for years now.  Too much pushing myself in dance training in college and not taking proper care.  Today it got all crazy from me cleaning and sorting papers in my office and sorting/folding the kid's school clothes.  It doesn't take much.

But, as long as the dog didn't take a crap forcing me to bend down to pick it up, I felt like a walk was manageable and a run was possible.  And it was.  I stopped when I started feeling my back and my shins telling me to chill out and didn't feel all guilty or bad for not completing the assigned training for Couch to 5K.  It will come.  I mean, I'm 235 pounds.  I'm not going to be this elite athelete on day two.  ANd the back thing and shin splits have been around longer than this weight, so I'm working on accepting them independant of each other.

Thank god for ice though when we got home.  The dog was exhausted and panting like crazy and my shins and back needed some TLC.  I did a little stretching as well and feel like some yoga tomorrow will feel dreamy.

It's a start.  Now to not get all crazy about it...

Sunday, August 21, 2011

More work on the Values Assessment Homework....

Oy.  I'm not even going to try predict how this will go.  But I know I need to do it, so JUMPING IN!

#1.  Marriage/couples/intimate relations:  In this section, write down a description of the person you would like to be in an intimate relationship.  Write down the quality of the relationship you would like to have.  Try to focus on your role in that relationship.
I would like to be a trusting partner in an intimate relationship. Trusting in myself to be open and available and trusting that the other person in the relationship won't disappoint me.  I would like to be kind and understanding and someone the other person looks forward to seeing and spending time with - that I'm important for who I am and what I bring to the relationship as a person.  The quality of the relationship I would like to have is one of warmth and safety.  I want to feel like we take care of each other and can rely on each other and support each other.  The cliche "soft place to land".  My values in this domain are trust and support.

#2.  Family Relations:  In this sections, describe the type of brother/sister, son/daughter, you want to be.  Describe the qualities you would want to have in those relationships.  Describe how you would treat the other people if you were the ideal you in these various relationships.
I want to be the type of family member that they look forward to seeing and spending time with.  I want to be the sister who can be allowed to be different and unique.  I want to be the daughter who is trusted as capable in her own way of doing things.  I want to feel loved and unconditionally supported and supported by my family and not judged or spoken about negatively.  If I were the ideal me, I would treat the other people in my family a lot like I do now.  My values in this domain are unconditional love and support.

#10.  Health/physical well-being:  In this section, include your values related to maintaining your physical well-being.  Write about health-related issues such as sleep, nutrition, exercise, taking medication and so forth.
I would like to be able to regain physical well-being in a way that isn't obsessive or wrapped in fear of judgment.  I would like to regain physical well-being to be a role model for health for my daughter and for those around me who know how crazy of a journey finding physical well-being has been for me.  I would like to be more physically well to be around and share my love and talents with the strongest tools I can and to incorporate my physical well-being as a tool of positivity rather than the focus of the negative.  Areas in which I still could see improvement are sleep, nutrition and exercise.  Practicing to see them as ways to be more healthy rather than ways to punish and control.  I also need to be more proactive in tending to medical issues without the fear of judgment getting in the way to prevent illness/injury.  My values in this domain are positivity, non-judgment and practice.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Let the record show......

Today I finally went out and did some walking/running.

Yes, yes I did.

And it felt great.  Like it always does once I get out there and do it.  Now, if my "all or nothing" brain can just let me do it SOME days rather than ALL days or NO days, we'll really be onto something here.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

People....people who need....people....

It started with a call from the billing office wondering why I haven't paid anything on my account....ever....since my first DOS in March.

Well, as I chronicaled months ago, my insurance is a mess and hasn't yet been resolved.  Which was adeptly handled by someone at the program.  Except she didn't note it in my account in such a way to avoid this call coming out.

So, I launch into the saga.  Kind of thinking, "Man I wish this was in my account so I wouldn't have to explain it again!" but whatever.  Thankfully I'm organized and all the EOBs are together and my bills and my notes from phone conversations.  If you're ever in treatment, I can't stress enough how important it is to look at your EOBs and note conversations.  They're confusing and a pain in the ass, but it's likely you'll need to reference it or there will be a question or a mistake and you'll want all that handy.

Anyway.  The lady was understandably confused - she's just the billing lady and wants the money.  But it had been agreed that I shouldn't pay on anything until the mess was resolved.  She understood that but I decided to just go ahead and pay for my very first visit as a sign of good faith and that would make her happy and I mean, I WILL need to pay this bill at some point so it's ultimately fine.

But then it was time to follow up to some mystery notes on my recent EOBs.  First I left a message for the HR guy at my husband's employer to get back to me with an update.  It was going so well and I think it just got shoved to the sidelines.  It would be more urgent to me if I didn't already know I have my nutrition services adjusted, but still.  Let's just get this done.

Then I called my "Client Care Advocate" at the program I'm receiving treatment through.  Bless her heart.....I love her.  Because she exists, I never need to call the bitchy lady at my insurance company again regarding treatment or the idiots at the mental health benefits place.  She does all that.  And she's NICE.  Even when she's telling me that the bitch at the insurance company told her to "stay on top of her job" despite it being an error on the INSURANCE COMPANY'S END.

I cry when I get angry so I can just picture what a mess these conversations would be if I had to handle them.  And it's just so much better to have the program call the insurance people anyway.  They know what info they need better than I do.  ALthough at this point I'm pretty well versed in the ways of insurance.'s just really really wonderful to have an advocate.  Again she has ridden in and saved the day.  All companies should have this.  It makes such a difference.  As I said in the early posts about the mess, I wouldn't be getting the level of care I need without her helping advocate for me.  Sometimes it just takes someone else to get it done.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

For posterity....

Today's therapist appointment sucked.  Yuck. 

I'm not really sure what happened or what was off, but it was going ok and at some point I felt like the tone changed.  Almost like my therapist was cranky with me. 

Who knows. 

What I do know is that I left there feeling really "ick" and off which bums me out because I look forward to my therapy appointments all week long.  I'm still feeling a little ick about it.  Hopefully it will pass.  I'm sure it will.

But yeah.  It's not all sunshine and roses I guess.

Values? I got your values!

As much as I've been digging in my heels and acting like a 2 year old about this Values Assessment Homework my therapist gave me last week, I need to at least get started on it.  Sometimes that perfectionist gene is a good thing I guess....I don't want to go into my appointment today and tell her I didn't do any of it!  LOL!!  I *will* fess up and tell her I only was able to start this morning, and under duress, but I think she'll think that's fine.  And I'm starting with the easy ones.  So there.

Here's the instructions:
The following are areas of life that are valued by some people. Not everyone has
the same values, and this work sheet is not a test to see whether you have the “correct” values. Please describe your values as if no one will ever read this work sheet. As you work, think about each area in terms of the concrete goals you may have and in terms of more general life directions. For instance, you may value getting married as a concrete goal and being a loving spouse as a valued direction. The first example, getting married, is something that could be completed. The second example, being a loving spouse, does not have an end. You could always be more loving, no matter how loving you already were. Work through each of the life domains. Some of the domains overlap. You may have trouble keeping family separate from marriage/intimate relations. Do your best to keep them separate. Your therapist will provide assistance when you discuss this goals and values assessment. Clearly number each of the sections and keep them separate from one another. You may not have any valued goals in certain areas; you may skip those areas and discuss them directly with your therapist. It is also important that you write down what you would value if there were nothing in your way. We are not asking what you think you could realistically get, or what you or others think you deserve. We want to know what you care about, what you would want to work toward, in the best of all situations.

#3.  Parenting:   In this section describe the type of mother you want to be.  Describe how you would treat your child if you were the ideal you in that relationship.
I want to be the type of mother who has a child completely and utterly aware of how much I love and support her.  I want her to feel free to share any of her thoughts, feelings, fears, and dreams and know that I will respond with respect, joy and/or sympathy.  I want to be the type of mother who is engaged.  My goal is to raise her to be a fully empowered adult - able to strike out on her own and make her own decisions and to have trust in herself that she can do anything she chooses.  My values in this domain are love, respect and support of my daughter.

#4.  Friendships/social relations:  In this section, write down what it means to you to be a good friend.  If you were able to be the best friend possible, how would you behave toward your friends?  Try to describe an ideal friendship.
Being a good friend means being able to be open and honest and trusting as well as being available as a source of support and encouragement for my friends.  If I were to be the best friend possible, I would bring fun and love and light into their lives by picking them up when there were feeling down, celebrating with them when life gets exciting, by being a ear to listen when things get tough.  There wouldn't be any fear of abandonment as it would be a two way exchange of love and support.  An ideal friendship to me would be a relationship in which I'd know that no matter what happened my friend would have my back and that they would know the same was true.  We'd have fun together, we'd feel relaxed around each other, we'd want to know even the silly little details about each other.  My values in this domain are trust and support.

#5.  Career/Employment:  In this section, describe what type of work you would like to do.  This can be very specific or very general.  (Remember this is an ideal world.)  After writing about the type of work you would like to do, write about why it appeals to you.  Next discuss what kind of a worker you would like to be with respect to your employer and co-workers.  What would you want your work relations to be like?
In an ideal world, I would make my living in the arts.  Not necessarily just as a performer, but also as a mentor, a coach, a teacher, a planner, a marketer, a painter, a writer - basically, anything that allows creative freedom and no limits and restrictions.  It appeals to me because I have an intense need for creative expression and that is the most satisfying to me through art.  It makes my thoughts and emotions make sense.  I would like to be a worker who encourages those around me, assumes they are capable and be able to trust that they will complete their portion of the work with the same effort and determination I put into my work.  We don't need to be best friends, but I would like to feel valued and respected for the work I do.  My values in this domain are respect and artistic/creative expression.

#6.  Education/personal growth and development:  If you would like to pursue an education, formally or informally, or to pursue some specialized training, write about that.  Write about why this sort of training or education appeals to you.
I have thought many times about returning to school or getting more training.  I like to learn new things.  Right now, what I would love to do is take a painting class or another cake decorating class or a cooking class.  Something creative and not linked to a job.  Although it would also be interesting to take a computer repair class.  Come to think of it, that's creative as well to me....being able to sleuth out what the problem is and trying to find the right repair.  It uses the same parts of my brain.  Education makes me feel like a more well rounded and interesting person.  My values in this domain are learning new and creative things.

#7.   Recreation/leisure:  Discuss the type of recreational life you would like to have, including hobbies, sports, and leisure activities.
I'd like to have a recreational life which is more engaged and that doesn't involve hiding on my computer.  I'd like to read more, craft more, get out and see more things and experience more things.  I'd like to get out and get moving and doing things outside.  I'd like to play more board games; maybe find a group of people to play board games with.  I'd like to host/organize more social get togethers.  My values in this domain are engaged and active.

#8.  Spirituality:  What we mean by spirituality is whatever that means to you.  This may be as simple as communing with nature or as formal as participating in an organized religious group.  Whatever spirituality means to you is fine.  If this is an important area of your life, write about what you would want it to be.
I would like to be more specific and intentional with my church attendance and participation.  I would like to spend more reflective time on thankfulness and serenity through my spiritual values outside of the church building and group mindset.  I would want my spirituality to have a stronger spot in my life and schedule with more focus on volunteering and participating.  My values in this domain are intention and serenity.

#9.  Citizenship:  For some people, participating in community affairs is an important part of life.  If community-oriented activities are important to you, write about the direction you would like to take in these areas.  Write about what appeals to you in this area.
Volunteering and supporting community causes is an important one for me.  It's an amazing way to be reminded that there is a world outside of your home and your family as well as a reminder that there are other who face much harder struggles than your own.  I've wanted to volunteer at the animal shelter, with various church supported causes or with causes personal to me for quite some time.  It's a way to feel proactive and useful.  My values in this domain are feeling part of something bigger than myself.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I chopped my hair off yesterday.

That in and of itself isn't all that miraculous.  I've done it before.

But I finally got it cut the way *I* wanted it.  Not the way I felt like other people would like it, not the way I felt would make me more marketable as an actor, not the way I felt would make me look less fat.  A cute short asymmetrical cut with bangs.  Like I've wanted for years but just couldn't ask for as if my hairstylist would say I had no business getting such a cute and trendy cut.  And guess what?  Despite being a hairstyle my ED wanted to determine is "fat girl hair", it looks adorable!  I LOVE it!  It totally suits me and my personality and I'm thrilled.

I'd say that in parts of the back I got about 11 inches cut off.  Crazy.  Washing my hair this morning was totally bizzare as there wasn't even enough hair for me to wash it the way I usually do.  I had to wash my hair like I imagine boys do!  Hahaha  I feel a sense of lightness.  Both physically and emotional.  I have beautiful hair.  I know this as it's always been the one thing I could cling to as knowing it could get complimented no matter how horrible I felt about myself otherwise.  Curly, beautiful was my safety net of sorts for a long long time. 

In the past few years I got into a cycle of growing it out to a shapeless mess and then bobbing it.  Rinse, lather, repeat.  Really, I got away with not having to invest in my appearance because my hair was a magical deflector shield.  I wouldn't be forced to deal with what I looked like since I had that one great feature that seemed to get more powerful to hide behind the less I did to it.  Then, in my OCD way, one day I'd decide it HAD to get chopped off then and there.  I'd call and call hair cut places until I could get in and get it done.

This time was different.  I was choosing between two styles - one choice was to keep the length and get it shaped differently or to go short and totally different.  I made an appointment and waited the week it took for me to get in.  The biggest part?  I didn't totally obsess about it in that week's time.  In fact, I only decided on the short style a couple hours before the appointment.

I'm loving these moments of clarity and progess that I can identify as they're happening.  I feel gorgeous and special with this new hair.  And it can totally co-exist with the work I'm still doing on accepting my body and not be taken down and minimized because I'm not 100000% happy with my overall appearance.  I'm accepting the awesomeness of my hair and can use that as a springboard for the other parts of me.

Who says the strength is in the LENGTH of the hair, Samson?  Huh?  Cutting my hair has made me stronger.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Clearly, I am not a weekend warrior.

WHY is it so much harder for me to keep my focus on the weekends?? 


I'm assuming it's the lack of structure and the addition of the potential for laziness.  All or nothing mentality stikes again.

Yesterday?  I didn't eat anything until lunch.  Why?  I don't know.  I could have.  I should have.  But I didn't.  And now today I'm sitting here complaining about it rather than going and eating something.  But nothing sounds good and I don't feel hungry.  (Whines the 2 year old who lives inside me!  LOL) 

I wonder if it has to do with being tired....hmmmm.....I do go to bed a smidge later than usual on weekend nights and I wake up insanely tired instead of rested.  I wonder if being tired pops up an obstacle for me.  Something to note and ask my therapist about I guess.

Today I NEED to get my lazy bootay up and getting stuff done.  NEED.  The kitchen table is all cluttered up again, surprise surprise, and that's just never a good sign.  It's sort of like the kitchen table is a metaphor for my brain.  I can look at it and know where I'm at immediately.

Also on the goal list is going for a walk with the dog.  I'm going to make that happen today.  For sure.  If I get nothing else done, THAT will get done.

Right after a little more procrastination coffee.....

Friday, August 12, 2011

As if anything is possible....

The time has come for me to work on my "Values Assessment Homework".  In a nutshell, it's 10 catagories in which I'm supposed to clarify my values.  "We want you to know what you care about, what you would work toward in the best of all situations.  Approach this assessment as if anything is possible."


Sounded like a brilliant assignment Wednesday at therapy.  But now that I'm sitting down to tackle it?  Not so much.  Some are going to be easier than others.  The first two gave me palpatations, so uh, I'm skipping those for now. 

"As if anything is possible......"

That's the hard part.   What it seems to be triggering in my brain is a flood of everything that's WRONG in these areas rather than a vision of what's right.  Everything I wish I could have but don't and never have found.  *sigh*  The idea of then having to share all that makes me seize up even more.  I'm pretty sure that's not the point of this exercise! 

Back you nasty ED thinking, BACK! 

I guess what I'll do is scan the list and tackle the "easier" ones first and move in on the triggery ones after that.  We'll see what happens.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

If SHE can do it, then.....aka: using envy for the forces of good!

I have a dear friend who has recently re-started the Couch to 5K running program.  And she's kicking its booty.  I tried it last year and wasn't mentally in the right place to finish it and my body started rebelling as well.  Too much weigh crushing down on my knees I guess.  Anyway, my friend.  In under 30 minutes she ran almost two miles!  On day 2!

Oh, one more thing, she has Cystic Fibrosis.

Yup.  My friend with chronic lung disease can kick my ass in a running competition.

On one hand, that's sort of awful, right?  I mean, great for her, but sheesh.  What a slob and sloth I have become.  But on the other, what a friggin' INSPIRATION is she??! 

I'm making the choice to allow this to inspire me rather than give my ED a chance to use it against me.  The end.

Now I need new shoes.  LOL

Monday, August 8, 2011

I love when someone else has the right words....

Still dwelling a bit on the lunatic sister incident.  I'm trying not to, but it's not that easy.  We'll go ahead and call it "processing"....that seems more proactive and healthy and positive, right?

First example of someone having the right words.....
The incident really gave the husband the opportunity to totally step up and be awesome. He sat there with me as I cried and vented and lamented my crap family. He infused some much needed humor as we talked about how we're complete opposites when it comes to personal relationships as well as when talking about what a hot mess my sister is. He went so far as to offer to look for new jobs elsewhere if I felt like we needed to move to give myself a chance at feeling better.

We may have our ups and downs, but it just makes me feel so good when I'm able to open up enough to let him comfort me and that he is able to step up when I do let my guard down. Progress, for sure!

Second example of someone having the right words....
Quotes from two friends helping me "process" this all:
Remember that you're dealing with your family of ORIGIN, not the family you're in now. You and xxx and xxx are a family, and you can revel in the fact that its awesome and loving and mostly normal.

THIS is your family. Yes, the others are, too, but your chosen family is what matters most...where you lay you head and your soft place to land.

I need to remember BOTH those things.  Forever.  Especially now.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

It's like a Britney Spears song medley....

Toxic.  Crazy.  Stronger.

Thanks to my lunatic sister, I have this week's therapy topic all set.


I'll spare everyone the rehashing of the details, but basically she sent an email to me last night filled with nastiness.  I've chosen to not respond at all to it because my textbook Narcissist sister WANTS that - she wants the drama and I'm chosing to not engage. 

Lots of tears from this chicka last night while I talked it out with my husband. Not because of what she said - she's crazy and no one who knows me would ever agree with what she said in that email - but because I'm just so tired of my family sucking. It's so disappointing to me that I have this family sometimes because I long for more. And have since I was a small child. It's just hard to come to terms with the idea that I need to accept that I'm not going to get a loving nurturing relationship from them. It's a HUGE part of what we're talking about in treatment therapy because it's one of my biggest wounds.  That feeling that no one is there for me to help me avoid being destroyed by things life throws my way.
We talk a lot in therapy about "matching expectations" when it comes to my family.  If they have reacted the same way over and over for 37 years, and over and over it's the source of sadness and pain for me, it's time to adjust my expectations.  It's crappy to have to do that when it comes to family, but it's part of blessing and releasing it and accepting it for what it is to be able to move forward from that point.  Because I've spent a lot of time in that place of wishing and hoping it would be different.  I'm a good person, a strong person, a person that other people are drawn to and enjoy being around.  If my family isn't capable of seeing that and supporting that, then I need to stop letting it hurt me.  It feeds all those ED messages that tell me how worthless I am and how I'm capable of nothing.

*sigh* So, yeah. It is what it is I guess. I just wish it wasn't.  But I'm not going to let that stop me from finding it from other people and from myself. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Ahhhh.....that's more like it....

After two weeks off, I finally got back to seeing my therapist today. 


That's just what I needed. 

I was so excited to get back to seeing her that I even made up a list of things I wanted to be sure to tell her in case I got so confused that I forgot everything.  I called them "successes and challenges" because, well, I knew if I said failures I'd get corrected.  ;) 

We talked through the last two weeks and touched on what I felt went well:  The awesome family vacation, turning down Mexico, Inviting people to come with on my birthday celebration knowing they might decline, buying new clothes without a barrage of negativity about my body, volunteering at the kid's church camp, trying new foods/smoothies.  We talked about where I was feeling challenges:  body image on vacation was weird, some anxiety issues and how they're a gateway to food issues, getting over being sick again.  We talked about my goals for the week and she was super excited about the idea of goal setting.

I love my therapist.  She's such a cheerleader but in a totally sincere way.  She celebrates small acheivements that I previously would have deisregarded as not "enough".  She challenges my ED all over the place and pushes me to think past the limitation of my ED.  She makes me feel "normal". 

So thankful.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Smooth moves...

I did it.

I made a smoothie.

Not only that, but I DRANK said smoothie just like it said on my meal plan.

I'll admit, it gave me the gaggy heebie jeebies, but I'm trying to broaden my scope of "acceptable" foods and this is one I have always WANTED to like.  I like everything IN a smoothie.  I just have trouble with it all blended up and drinkable.

Again, let's remind the reading public of my weird taste bud OCD issues.

The smoothie situation came about after reading a recipe for "Freezer Smoothies".  This person, who is apparently brilliant, makes a batch of smoothies and then freezes them.  When she wants one, she either takes it and thaws it in the fridge over night or just brings it along to work with her and it's thawed by lunch time. 

See, I told you....brilliant!

Out came the blender last night and in went peaches, frozen strawberries, a banana, milk and honey.  Two containers of the concoction went into the freezer for future testing and the little leftover bit went into the fridge for me to have this morning.

And I did.

Clearly, with the gagging and drama, it wasn't my FAVORITE thing ever, but it wasn't as awful as that description makes it sound either.  I have texture issues and that's what was to blame.  The flavor was actually really nice.  I sort of suspect the banana as the culprit in the texture issue.  More exploration will have to be done at a future date.

For now though, I'm totally taking this one as a victory!