Thursday, April 28, 2011

And the insurance battle begins......

Before I started treatment, I made SURE to get all my ducks in a row regarding my insurance coverage.  I'd read enough to know that the assholes in charge of deciding what gets paid for on a health plan do NOT like paying for mental health related treatment.  You know, because ultimately they'd prefer to save money over people being healthy.  Obnoxious.

Anyway, I called.  I asked very specific questions.  I was told everything the program deemed "clinically necessary" would be covered 80/20.  I filled out all my paperwork correctly to make sure that happened.

Yeah, you know where this is going.

I got my first pack of EOBs.  ALWAYS READ YOUR EOBS PEOPLE!!  This is the way you find mistakes.  And this packet was FILLED with them according to what I had been told my benefits would be.

Several phone calls later, I still have no idea what will ultimately be covered.  We are SUPER lucky in that the hubby's a higher up management-type who has a super on top of it HR person.  The HR guy will take care of the confusion.  I totally trust that.  I'm not so sure what the $$ situation will be.  WHich totally sucks.

I can't even get into all the details of what a clusterf^$! this is......I just have to keep faith that it will all work out.  And, ultimately, if it doesn't, I'm staying in treatment and will have to find a way to make it work.

Who knew when I started this process that there would be so many obstacles??!  It's hard ENOUGH to be in's positively MADDENING to have to fight these stupid battles at the same time.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Catch up time!

So.  It's been a while since I've blogged.

Well, I'm not sure exactly why.  It hasn't been because I've been doing so incredibly wonderful that there's nothing to share.  But it hasn't been because I"m doing awful either.

I guess I'm trying to find this middle ground of doing the "work" of treatment.

Clearly, I'm not real good at doing the middle ground thing so that's why I'm feeling blah I think.

My therapist says this part is the acknowledging phase - the becoming aware of what the issues actually are - the issues that are sort of deeper and harder to readily identify or tackle.  I'm actually doing much better with THAT part than the food part.

WHY is food so hard for me.  WHY?  *sigh*

WHy is it so hard to just eat a friggin breakfast?  Why can't I make myself do it??  So frustrating.

I was able to talk to the husband about his role in my recovery.  I was able to tell him that my therapist encouraged more connected time so I can start learning to trust that I HAVE support available to me.  I was able to tell him that it's not easy for me to allow someone to help me because I fear they will fail me.  Now, I have no idea what he's done with that because he then never really talked about it again.  Soooo....I guess we're both learning.

Another thing I've become hugely aware of is that I need therapy weekly.  Desperately.  To keep me motivated and on track and in the present.  I didn't have any ED appointments last week for the first time in a couple of months.  And I really feel like that's part of why I'm feeling so blah about everything.  Apparently I'm not ready to do this on my own.  LOL  No surprise there at all.

On sort of "good" thing though, I'd been harboring this fear that if my nutritionist wasn't keeping me accountable that I'd binge first chance I got.  While I still think about binging, I'm not.  And that's progress.

She also recommmended an AMAZING book - "Women Food and God" which has been one of those "a-HA!" sort of readings for me.  The author (Geneen Roth) is able to articulate things that are just totally exactly ON in some ways.  Really excited to keep reading this and see what it opens up for me.

What else...........hmmm.........lots but I'm not thinking of it.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Journal Assignment - Liking food

So, this topic came up in my meeting with Kirsten today.  My assignment for the pervious week had been to buy foods *I* like while grocery shopping.  I buy things sepcifically for everyone else, why not buy them for me.  So easy.

Well, as I'm finding, the "easiest" things seem to turn out as the exact opposite.

I was completely overwhelmed.  Had my mini-panic attack in the chip aisle at the grocery.  Got the food home and then felt guilty for eating the few foods I managed to buy "just for me".

Through talking about it, I finally was able to articulate that for some reason, it upsets me when I like food.  It even upsets me to even THINK about liking food. 


Honestly, this has been a hard thing for me to get my brain around.  On the most basic level is this:

If I like food, I'm going to want to eat food.
If I eat food, I'm going to want to eat MORE food.
If I want to eat more food, then I will get fatter and fatter.

Does that make ANY sense?  Nope.  But that's what in my head.  And it goes further:

If I like food, I'm going to want to eat food.
  • This food I'm going to want to eat will likely be unhealthy food.

If I eat food, I'm going to want to eat MORE food.
  • If I want more food, people will see me eating it and get repulsed by how much I'm eating.

If I want to eat more food, then I will get fatter and fatter.
  • Feeling like I need to eat makes me feel weak, like I should be able to control my level of hunger and wants for food better.

And from there, we can get even more details on some:

If I like food, I'm going to want to eat food.
  • This food I'm going to want to eat will likely be unhealthy food.
                        *When I choose unheathly food, I get disgusted and disappointed in myself for not wanting healthy food.

If I eat food, I'm going to want to eat MORE food.
  • If I want more food, people will see me eating it and get repulsed by how much I'm eating.
                         *Feeling like people are watching me eat all that food will make me feel disgusted and disappointed in myself and I will start feeling like I need to restrict or purge to try counteract eating in the first place.

If I want to eat more food, then I will get fatter and fatter.
  • Feeling like I need to eat makes me feel weak, like I should be able to control my level of hunger and wants for food better.
                          *When I can't control my hunger, I feel disgusted and disappointed in myself for not having the self control I see other people able to exercise when they are around food.

So to avoid feeling disgusted and disappointed in myself, I try to avoid liking food.

Jesus.  What a mess.


The thing is, I do "get" how that's not rational thinking.  I swear I do.  And that's why I'm able to be in treatment.  What I don't "get" is how to STOP thinking that way.  And that's why I'm able to be in treatment.

I also find it totally ironic that through my attempts to control everything through food, everything I was trying to avoid happening has actually happened.  I'm not in control of anything (well, I'm slowly regaining that control!), am fat, disgusted and disappointed.  So then the ol' Inner Critic gets to pop in and make me feel stupid for not even being able to succeed in all this irrationality.  Can't win either way when ED is in that brain.  So it cycles all around again.  And again.  And again.

Hopefully but putting out there and giving energy to the garbage swirling in my head it will also give it the energy to LEAVE my head.

Friday, April 1, 2011

"Take time to show someone you care."

We've been talking a lot about my fear preventing me from being able to attach to people.  I tend to keep people at an arm's length for fear of being hurt.  I'm scared that if I invest, that investment won't be returned.  Or I'll be made to look a fool.  That I'm not good enough to have friends or that they won't find me interesting enough to want to keep being my friend.

Lots of garbage that makes it really, really challenging.

I've decided that I need to step up and put myself out there in a more "agressive" way in finding and maintaining friendships.  In a LOT of ways, it's like 5th grade Julie is going to a new school and the terror of being ostracized is just looming out there.  In other ways, it's like coming back after summer break and hoping the friends you haven't seen in three months still like you and want to be around you.

It's so strange because there's this really loud voice in my head that practically yells, "I have no IDEA why you people wouldn't want o be my friend??!  I'm AMAZING!!"  And somewhere, that inner critic pops in and drowns it out with insecurity. 

It's HARD for me to put myself out there.  Simple, "Oh shoot!  I have other plans!  Can w edo it another night?" can turn into a downward spiral quick in my brain.  A pile of "what ifs". 

I also fear that people will think I care TOO much about them.  I have this instinct to want to connect - maybe overly connect if I were to listen to the ol' Inner Critic - and I worry that people will think it's weird if I reach out to them.

In an attempt to move forward, I'm starting to try reconnect with people from years ago.  People who I was friends with, loved, had fun times with and who my Inner Critic has told me are happy that I'm out of their lives.  Knowing that the IC is full of BS on a certain level, I'm putting myself out there.  First to an old college roomate and friend who touched my heart with a recent blog post.  I just extended some kind words - the ones I was thinking anyway - and let her know I was thinking of her.  From that, she told me she'd love to go for coffee and catch up if we were ever in the same city.  And that made me feel awesome.  Another, I connected with after she posted a pic of herself at work on Facebook.  I commented that she looked pretty - which she did!  LOL - and we got connected via email.  She also said she'd drop whatever she was doing the next time I was in her city to go hang out and catch up.

People like me.

Why does my brain have such a hard time believing that??!

And another:

“I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got.”

----Sabrina Ward Harrison

Love this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

----Marianne Williamson