I cried during my therapy session today.
I'd like to think that it was a very beautiful, old Hollywood single tear sort of vision. In truth, it wasn't. Now, in my defense, I wasn't bawling my head off either so think middle ground (ironic for this all or nothing sort of girl, huh?!)
We started talking about "5th grade Julie". And somehow, the cork came off and a lot of sadness came with it. All those feelings of isolation, confusion, judgement, not being hear, not being good enough, not being "normal.....flooding back.
Apparently, this is the form of my "Inner critic".
That hurt, scared, lonely 5th grade girl etched herself into the deepest parts of my psyche. Like that creepy well girl from The Ring. But with better hygiene I'd like to think.
So, my task for the week is to start finding the moments of 5th grade Julie coming through. Hearing her voice in those really fearful negative anxoius moments inside my head instead of thinking that's MY voice. I also think I need to listen for her in my dealings with other people too - in those slightly too harsh corrections of my daughter while she practices her piano, in those unsaid insults in my brain towards Mark for not doing something the "right" way, in how I present myself to those I want to have as friends. I think she gets a lot of airtime now that I know it's OK to identify her and isolate her.
It's not easy talking about some of that stuff. It makes me feel really guilty. It makes me feel the sadness I never allowed myself to feel at that time. It makes me drudge up those feelings of not being good enough, responsible enough, loveable enough. All the things that made that voice so loud in the first place.
"Self care" was another thing we talked about. What I'm going to do to take care of myself as we start peeling back the layers on this hot mess. This blog, well, that's part of it. Especially since I'm still dealing with racy Charlie Sheen brain. Decompressing with Mark is also helping. Putting it out there so it can be acknowledged as real. I spent so long keeping all this hidden under so much shame and guilt and embarassment, getting feedback that it's real and that I deserve and need help and that it's OK is a big thing.
We also talked about goals for treatment. God that's a long list. LOL For now, once a week with the therapist and once a week with the nutritionist. And we'll see where it goes from there.