More about the food journal in a minute.
Let's first take this opportunity to discuss today's intake with the nutritionist.
Yes, I was totally worried about going. Clearly, not shocking at this point, but I'm learning to try to acknowledge that it's just my anxiety and ED try to find a way out into the world and that it isn't a real "flight or fight" sort of warning signal. Things make me nervous that shouldn't. And I'm working on that.
Again, complete rundown of food/eating. I was sort of surprised that she didn't see to know some of the bigger things that my therapist and I have been talking through - perfectionism/all or nothing being the big one. Or maybe she did and didn't let on. Had me talk through what I envisioned "perfect eating" to be like. In retrospect, I just remembered something I would put in that catagory. But I digress.
Perfect eating, in my brain would be that magical TV version of a balanced breakfast - accompanied by some magical instant like of oatmeal because that's what people are "suppposed" to eat for breakfast. Lunch - again some magically light and fresh and balanced concoction. A snack of some sort and then a delightful home cooked entree, grain side, veggie side for supper.
I'm nowhere NEAR that which is why it's hilarious. AND - NO ONE EATS THAT WAY ALL THE TIME!!! But I can't get out of my brain that if I'm not serving or eating that way, I'm failing. *sigh*
The thing I just thought of is, ideally, perfect eating would be walking into the kitchen and not freaking out or over thinking the food. Which we sort of talked about when we got to the discussion about lunch.
Lunch freaks me out. I walk into the kitchen and get totally overwhelmed and anxious. I sort of knew that before but didn't totally know it.
We also talked through what a trip to the grocery store feels like. Eye opening. I'm absolutely in love with the promise and freshness of the produce department and then everything gets more stressful and devolves from there. Interesting as it didn't really occur to me like that. I think I"m going to shop backwards next time and see how that works. (The way the grocery is set up, the bakery and frozen section is at the end, produce at the beginning).
Some other stuff and then........
I'm dreading it.
The fear of judgement is just SOOOOOOOOOO strong for me on this. I know she said that she isn't going to look at it and judge and tsk tsk me. But I FEEEEEEEEEL like that's what's going to happen. And it makes me want to cry. Or have like this ridiculously amazing ED free week so I don't have to talk about it.
I told her that. That it would be hard for me and that it makes me uncomfortable. And she understood, but encouraged me to try.
And I guess that's what this is all about. But. UGh.