I sort of feel like I'm sitting in limbo. So new to this idea of structured recovery and yet so exhausted by the years of torment hanging around me like a lead coat. Because I'm such an all or nothing person. I want to be better. Like right now. Or even better yet, 5 minutes ago.
But that's not the reality.
So, while I sit here in limbo sort of puttering around and trying to do things to make me feel balanced, I have had a real tumultous 24 - 48 hours.
Needing to get it out, it will be sent here. To the blog. The land of anonymity and unending space for things that need to be set free.
This past two days have been filled with drama. Between a group a girls. No, not girls. WOMEN. Grown up, adult women. All of whom should know better and for some reason don't. Myself included. WHy is it so hard for everyone to just be nice and get along? Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and all is back on path somewhat, but sheesh.
Along that line, it reveals a lack of true and present friends in my life. WHy is it so hard for me to find and keep those people? Is it me? Them? A combination? It's been like this as long as I can remember. Maybe I'm just more aware of it and everyone has this? Who knows. Today that makes me sad though.
And speaking of true and present friends. I have a dear dear dear friend who popped back into my life a few years ago thanks to the power of the almighty Facebook. I love this friend dearly and feel more connected to him than I do 99.9% of the other friends I have in my life. He is going through an extremely stressful time right now and decided to abruptly cancel/deactivate his Facebook account. I assume he'll be back when it all blows over, but I didn't have enough warning to collect up his email. So, I'm sitting here feeling like a big part of my heart totally disappeared and in a time when I KNOW he could use a friend. It makes me sad. Sad that I can't be there to help him somehow and support him and sad that I was so easy to cut off with one click of a touchscreen. It shouldn't, but it makes me feel disposable. He's having a hard time, he's entitled to space and whatever. But feeling disposable is a major "issue" for me and it just hits right on it.
Throwing on top of all that, this earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Oy. Another one of my "triggers" if you will - for sadness and anxiety - is major disasters like this. My brain simply can NOT disassociate. I live nowhere NEAR somewhere that could ever have a tsunami. And it still sends me into a panic of 400 reactions I would have, escape plans I would have, in case I was ever walking down the street and a tsunami came. So stupid. Why can't I just watch and feel it the same way others do?
And the cherry on top - my kid and dog are sick. LOL So there. It's like I'm a country song.
Thanks neutral space of the blogsphere. I needed to get that out.