Tuesday, March 8, 2011

ANd a little more insight...

This is something I wrote to a friend who was curious what type of eating disorder I was seeing help for - sums it up pretty well:

What eating disorder HAVEN'T I had. You know me, if I'm going to do something I'm going to go ALL OUT! LOL I actually thought I wasn't doing too bad these days because I was comparing it to my early 20's when I ate about 500 calories a day, threw them all up immediately after injesting them, took some diet pills to just make sure things were burning and then worked out/danced for at least 2 hours a day if not more. You know. The way all the cool kids do it. LMAO. Very Hollywood of me, huh? Well, except there was no cocaine. THAT would be Hollywood.

So, as I got older I managed to stop *most* of all that or only experience it in a lesser version and I sort of figured that was good. But I'm slowly figuring out that just because it's "better", it doesn't mean it's "good". *sigh* And the food issues are really tied into a lot of other things - perfectionism (or the attempt to buck the system and really be super imperfect just to show everyone I'm NOT perfect), total control issues, esteem. Blah blah blah. I'm so all or nothing. Either I eat nothing or I eat everything. And all the while feeling like *I* don't have control over it. It's like this crazy panic comes over when I get in that state. Hard to explain. I'm a very complex lady. LOL

It's just baggage I need to get rid of. Who needs it. I've got shit to do with my life here people! I can't be weighed down by food panic, right? So, off to get counseled and tested and nutritionized and we'll see if we can't make something get turned around. I deserve it and I'm finally in a place where I feel good about demanding good things for myself.

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