This week's sessions were a lot about the trouble I'm still having attempting and making food decisions. My therapist said it best I think, "Food doesn't have to be an EVENT every time. And your ED is making each time you decide to eat an EVENT." Which is why I get frustrated and overwhelmed. If my ED is always requiring me to have the "perfect" meal everytime I eat, I'm never going to be able to fulfill that requirement. Which gives my ED a perfect opportunity to get loud.
The current tool to combat this?
Totally similar Deal a Meal. I will have 12 - 16 choices for complete breakfasts, lunches and suppers as well as a morning snack and afternoon snack written onto small cards. When I do my meal planning for the week, I'll randomly pick 7 cards to fill out the blanks for a week of breakfasts and then repeat the process with the other catagories until the grid is full.
And, for the record, lest we think I'm basking in the glow of awesomeness, um, it totally freaked me out when it was first suggested.
And then we talked about why. Loss of control over food is SCARY to me. What happens when I get to Tuesday and written down is a peanut butter sandwich but I'm not hungry for that?! CATASTROPHE, right? Well, hopefully not. But that doesn't stop my ED from screaming that as loud as it can.
I'll be able to embrace control over what's on the cards. From there, I have to just learn to deal with sometimes eating "non-perfect" foods. Foods I KNOW I like but depending on the day may not be "the thing."
As nerve-wracking as it sort of sounds to me, it also sounds exciting. A good challenge. Progress. All sorts of forward moving positive words.
So, on we go.