Grounded

I had an amazing opportunity presented to me yesterday!  One of my dearest friends in the world invited me to go with on his yearly trip to Playa del Carmen in mid-January!  They had one more space in their timeshare and I got the invite.

And I turned it down.

There's a strong possibility I'm insane and I expect you all to stay quiet about that as I'm kicking my own ass in 60+ inches of snow 6 months from now.

I wanted to go so badly.  The hubby was 100% for it.  The kid was pissed because SHE wanted to go too.  In fact, after the discussion last night about me going, it was decided that I would.   So, why did I decline it this morning?

The phrase, "you don't want to miss this opportunity because it may not come up again", ringing in my head endlessly for about three hours.  (Let me again remind you of my OCD .... lol!)

We have no money.  Like, literally no money.  This trip would be at least $1000 when all was said and done.  We have financial goals of saving for a new to us car.  We have family goals of travelling to all 50 states before the kid is 18 years old.  We have personal goals of me completing treatment.  All these things take money.  And all these things rose to the top as being more important that the worry that an opportunity may not come back again.

A big part of my ED is the fear that if I don't say yes to every opportunity a friend presents, they will decide they don't like me anymore and never call again.  You can tell me all you want that that's not true, but unfortunately it's one of the messages that's been reinforced over the years due to my sort of crappy luck in aquiring friends.  I'm slowly learning that my REAL friends will be totally fine if I'm busy or poor or tired or whatever.  And that they WILL still love me and ask me to do other things.  Slowly.  But it's happening.

I can't go on a $1000+ trip because I'm scared my friend won't like me anymore if I can't go.  It's not a fair amount of pressure to put on myself and it's not a fair amount of burden to put on my friend. 

This decision may not seem like a big deal, but it's a landscape changer for me.  In fact, last night was the first night since I started magical Zoloft that I actually felt twinges in that old comfy anxiety flutter spot in my chest.  Big big big decision for me to have made.  Choosing to do what's right for me and my family vs. what I feel like the world wants from me.

Grounded.

It's new.  I think I could get used to it.