A girl's gotta have goals...

Of late I'm battling this middle ground place I am in.  That place where ED isn't present to make things "easier", that place where ED doesn't consume 99% of my thoughts every waking moment, that place where there's room for me to not have to replace the 99% ED thoughts with 99% recovery/treatment thoughts. 

It's a weird place to have "room" in your brain.  Sort of an explansive plain for my "all or nothing" to set in.  If I don't have a focus, I tend to float.

What's additionally not helpful is that it's been 2+ weeks since I've seen my therapist.  Clearly I'm not ready for that sort of therapy schedule, so I'm working extra hard to get some focus without guidance.

My goal is now to make goals.  How delightfully redundant is that?  But, it's true.

My goals for this week are:
Complete a meal plan and document on my eating journal
Clean off the kitchen table to start having suppers there again
Intentional exercise at least once
Make appointments for me, kiddo and dogs
Resume Chore chart

Something I like....

"The essence of treatment is to find a path where change will occur because it is not preordained that you wont get better."

I found this in an article that was linked in a blog post.  I'll try go back and give proper credit tonight.  For now, I just wanted it in the forefront as I'm struggling a smidge with today's "dance".  Definitely a day where I'm FINDING the path rather than FOLLOWING the path.

Grounded

I had an amazing opportunity presented to me yesterday!  One of my dearest friends in the world invited me to go with on his yearly trip to Playa del Carmen in mid-January!  They had one more space in their timeshare and I got the invite.

And I turned it down.

There's a strong possibility I'm insane and I expect you all to stay quiet about that as I'm kicking my own ass in 60+ inches of snow 6 months from now.

I wanted to go so badly.  The hubby was 100% for it.  The kid was pissed because SHE wanted to go too.  In fact, after the discussion last night about me going, it was decided that I would.   So, why did I decline it this morning?

The phrase, "you don't want to miss this opportunity because it may not come up again", ringing in my head endlessly for about three hours.  (Let me again remind you of my OCD .... lol!)

We have no money.  Like, literally no money.  This trip would be at least $1000 when all was said and done.  We have financial goals of saving for a new to us car.  We have family goals of travelling to all 50 states before the kid is 18 years old.  We have personal goals of me completing treatment.  All these things take money.  And all these things rose to the top as being more important that the worry that an opportunity may not come back again.

A big part of my ED is the fear that if I don't say yes to every opportunity a friend presents, they will decide they don't like me anymore and never call again.  You can tell me all you want that that's not true, but unfortunately it's one of the messages that's been reinforced over the years due to my sort of crappy luck in aquiring friends.  I'm slowly learning that my REAL friends will be totally fine if I'm busy or poor or tired or whatever.  And that they WILL still love me and ask me to do other things.  Slowly.  But it's happening.

I can't go on a $1000+ trip because I'm scared my friend won't like me anymore if I can't go.  It's not a fair amount of pressure to put on myself and it's not a fair amount of burden to put on my friend. 

This decision may not seem like a big deal, but it's a landscape changer for me.  In fact, last night was the first night since I started magical Zoloft that I actually felt twinges in that old comfy anxiety flutter spot in my chest.  Big big big decision for me to have made.  Choosing to do what's right for me and my family vs. what I feel like the world wants from me.

Grounded.

It's new.  I think I could get used to it.

I'm here....but not.

Lest anyone panic, I'm around.  We've been on vacation and now I'm sick AGAIN with the mystery crud.  *sigh*  So, my brain isn't doing much other than floating around in a sea of mucous.

I'll be back soon, I promise!!!

And it's OK if you think I'm a loser...

Tonight is a big night for me.

I ............ *drumroll* .................... am going to a public, social event ........................

ALONE!

I know!!  What has come over me, right??!!!

Well, the husband is out of town on business and there's a showing of a musical in town that I'm able to attend for free.  I want to see it.  I know people in it.  I know the director.  And geez - FREE, PEOPLE!!

I tried my one friend who attends these things with me while the husband stays home.  She's out of town.  I decided, "What in the world is the worst thing that would happen to me if I went by myself?"  And when the answer was, "The worst thing is that it will suck and you'll have no one to commiserate with" I decided I was going for it!   The kid's staying over with my parents and off I will go!  I'm actually sort of excited about it!  :) 

And it's OK if you are there and think I'm a loser because I'm there alone.  Turns out?  I don't care!

Today is a big day.......

I'm going from weekly nutitionist appointments to every other week!!!!!  And I feel great about it!  :)

To celebrate, I went out and bought a new outfit to celebrate the body I'm in RIGHT NOW.  The body that took me to this place of progress and positivity! 

It's happening!  Slowly but surely, it's happening!!

What does my life look like free of ED?

Placeholder for an upcoming therapist assignment....  :)

The man in the mirror....

Somedays, as I get myself put together for the day standing in front of the bathroom mirror, I look up and see a face.  A face I call "ugly man in bad drag makeup".  Awesome, huh?  It's a face which resembles mine but just looks weird and wrong somehow and one that confuses and confounds rather than upsets and disappoints.  In the midst of this eating disorder, this is one event that I know to be a figment of my imagination.  I don't have an ugly face.  I don't have a man's face.  Just somedays my eyeballs and brain act stupidly when they process what I look like.

Conversely, there are other days.  Pretty much the exact opposite type of day.  I peer at my reflection and am presented with a beautiful face.  Mine.  Happy, young, healthy, content.  Beautiful.

I've had that day three in a row now.  I like those days.  Much more than the drag queen days.  And hope to have more and more of them in the future.