Monday, March 5, 2012

Let the sun shine.....

OK.  I'll admit it.  I've been MIA of late.  Not just here, but sort of everywhere.  Checked out.

It sort of started with me being sick a few weeks ago and just completely got away from me.  I didn't want to do anything.  Didn't want to go anywhere.  Was tired and fed up with every single thing.

Depressed much? 


It's this winter weather.  I know it is.  Grey for days and days on end.  And we finally got 2 feet of snow this past week so it really feels like winter as well.  I don't do well with the absence of sunlight.  I need it.  I've often said I'm solar powered.  I do have my bue happy light, but there's just no substitute for feeling the warmth of the sun on your body.

So, what did I do once I noticed I was in a depression whirlpool.  Well, first, I laid around in it and wallowed.  Yup.  Totally did.  Then, I decided the time limit on wallowing was up and I needed to address parts of it.  Had a wonderful talk with the hubby about how I'd been feeling "treatment fatigue" of late and that it was really hard for me to feel like I was doing this all alone.  I didn't tell him as an indictment because if anyone needed to shoulder blame, it was me.  I'm so good at hiding my needs that no one knows when I need something.  It's not his fault I felt all alone.  That led to some other good conversation about where I'm at ED-wise and made me feel a little better.  Then, I made sort of a big decision. 

I made my ED Facebook official.  As part of ED awareness month, I knew I wanted to post something.  As part of trying to get out of this lonliness vortex, I knew I wanted to post something.  As part of my need to just have everyone know so I could finally eliminate the secrecy aspect, I knew I wanted to post something.

So I did.

And the response was totally overwhelming.  I had private massages from friends who are currently fighting ED battles, I had public messages of love and support, and it was all so freeing.  I also knew that my parents were probably pissed as all get out that I made something like that public, but you know, that's their problem.  I can't hide things away for fear they will be disappointed in or embarassed of me.  I'm almost 38 years old.  It's time for some emotional freedom.  As scary as it is, it's also just something I need.

The next step was catching up on our bills, filing our taxes and getting real honest about our money situation.  Which sucks.  But, it is what it is and we do have the power to improve it and be more vigilant about it.  So, that's what we're doing.  We're on the same page about it now and have some financial priorites in place and it feels good to have a unified approach at this time.  We're putting in a bathroom downstairs and were able to work together getting estimates for the items, we were able to agree on a layout - after MUCHO discussion, and we're going to work together to get this done.  Team building.  :) 

So, after all this, where am I at?  Well, this morning, after weeks of grey, the sun was shining brightly out our windows.  Casting it's light across the trees, the snow, the world.  It was perfect.  I feel composed and re-focused and that there's light in my spirit to lift me through it.  It's empowering to know that these grey times can and will go away without doing too much damage.  I can even do my share of wallowing and will come out of it.  That's good to know.  I haven't always known that.  And now I know, the sun will come and shine if you wait long enough.

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