It's early March. I live in a northern climate which does not see much sunlight in winter months. It's a proven fact that this lack of sunlight can screw with a person. Knowing that I have trouble once we start hitting a second grey day in a row, I felt like I was being proactive in buying my happy blue light. And I do feel like it has helped a little. But during my therapy session yesterday, it was brought up that I might need a med adjustment to get me through until spring. I KNOW my meds are helping. I can feel and describe at least a dozen different ways my life has improved by the magical 50mg of Zoloft I take every morning. I know all of this anxiety, S.A.D, ED lives in the chemistry of my brain which I have no control over.
So, why does it feel like I'm failing every time I consider having to up my dose.
I feel like there's this voice in my head saying I should be able to cope and that by admitting I'm not stronger than the dreary winter season, somehow that reflects on my capabilities. Like it will pass if I can just get out into the sun or feel some actual warmth outside.
Because that's exactly how brain chemistry works, right?
She wanted me to call today to ask for an adjustment. She said she brought it up because most of her clients have needed a med adjustment in the last few weeks for the same reason. And I do get that. I do. I'm just stubborn and want to somehow will all that crazy juice flowing through my brain into getting its act together and doing what I WANT it to do.
I'll come around. A year ago, I was absolutely adamant that I didn't need any meds at all. I just needed time to accept that they could help and there was no reason to feel crappy if there was a way to remedy it. My plan is to allow myself that time again.
Who knows, maybe spring will show up if I wait long enough, right?