Journal Assignment - Liking food

So, this topic came up in my meeting with Kirsten today.  My assignment for the pervious week had been to buy foods *I* like while grocery shopping.  I buy things sepcifically for everyone else, why not buy them for me.  So easy.

Well, as I'm finding, the "easiest" things seem to turn out as the exact opposite.

I was completely overwhelmed.  Had my mini-panic attack in the chip aisle at the grocery.  Got the food home and then felt guilty for eating the few foods I managed to buy "just for me".

Through talking about it, I finally was able to articulate that for some reason, it upsets me when I like food.  It even upsets me to even THINK about liking food. 

Why.

Honestly, this has been a hard thing for me to get my brain around.  On the most basic level is this:

If I like food, I'm going to want to eat food.
If I eat food, I'm going to want to eat MORE food.
If I want to eat more food, then I will get fatter and fatter.

Does that make ANY sense?  Nope.  But that's what in my head.  And it goes further:

If I like food, I'm going to want to eat food.

• This food I'm going to want to eat will likely be unhealthy food.

If I eat food, I'm going to want to eat MORE food.

• If I want more food, people will see me eating it and get repulsed by how much I'm eating.

If I want to eat more food, then I will get fatter and fatter.

• Feeling like I need to eat makes me feel weak, like I should be able to control my level of hunger and wants for food better.

And from there, we can get even more details on some:

If I like food, I'm going to want to eat food.

• This food I'm going to want to eat will likely be unhealthy food.

                        *When I choose unheathly food, I get disgusted and disappointed in myself for not wanting healthy food.



If I eat food, I'm going to want to eat MORE food.

• If I want more food, people will see me eating it and get repulsed by how much I'm eating.

                         *Feeling like people are watching me eat all that food will make me feel disgusted and disappointed in myself and I will start feeling like I need to restrict or purge to try counteract eating in the first place.



If I want to eat more food, then I will get fatter and fatter.

• Feeling like I need to eat makes me feel weak, like I should be able to control my level of hunger and wants for food better.

                          *When I can't control my hunger, I feel disgusted and disappointed in myself for not having the self control I see other people able to exercise when they are around food.



So to avoid feeling disgusted and disappointed in myself, I try to avoid liking food.



Jesus.  What a mess.

*sigh*

The thing is, I do "get" how that's not rational thinking.  I swear I do.  And that's why I'm able to be in treatment.  What I don't "get" is how to STOP thinking that way.  And that's why I'm able to be in treatment.

I also find it totally ironic that through my attempts to control everything through food, everything I was trying to avoid happening has actually happened.  I'm not in control of anything (well, I'm slowly regaining that control!), am fat, disgusted and disappointed.  So then the ol' Inner Critic gets to pop in and make me feel stupid for not even being able to succeed in all this irrationality.  Can't win either way when ED is in that brain.  So it cycles all around again.  And again.  And again.

Hopefully but putting out there and giving energy to the garbage swirling in my head it will also give it the energy to LEAVE my head.