Saturday, April 23, 2011

Catch up time!

So.  It's been a while since I've blogged.

Well, I'm not sure exactly why.  It hasn't been because I've been doing so incredibly wonderful that there's nothing to share.  But it hasn't been because I"m doing awful either.

I guess I'm trying to find this middle ground of doing the "work" of treatment.

Clearly, I'm not real good at doing the middle ground thing so that's why I'm feeling blah I think.

My therapist says this part is the acknowledging phase - the becoming aware of what the issues actually are - the issues that are sort of deeper and harder to readily identify or tackle.  I'm actually doing much better with THAT part than the food part.

WHY is food so hard for me.  WHY?  *sigh*

WHy is it so hard to just eat a friggin breakfast?  Why can't I make myself do it??  So frustrating.

I was able to talk to the husband about his role in my recovery.  I was able to tell him that my therapist encouraged more connected time so I can start learning to trust that I HAVE support available to me.  I was able to tell him that it's not easy for me to allow someone to help me because I fear they will fail me.  Now, I have no idea what he's done with that because he then never really talked about it again.  Soooo....I guess we're both learning.

Another thing I've become hugely aware of is that I need therapy weekly.  Desperately.  To keep me motivated and on track and in the present.  I didn't have any ED appointments last week for the first time in a couple of months.  And I really feel like that's part of why I'm feeling so blah about everything.  Apparently I'm not ready to do this on my own.  LOL  No surprise there at all.

On sort of "good" thing though, I'd been harboring this fear that if my nutritionist wasn't keeping me accountable that I'd binge first chance I got.  While I still think about binging, I'm not.  And that's progress.

She also recommmended an AMAZING book - "Women Food and God" which has been one of those "a-HA!" sort of readings for me.  The author (Geneen Roth) is able to articulate things that are just totally exactly ON in some ways.  Really excited to keep reading this and see what it opens up for me.

What else...........hmmm.........lots but I'm not thinking of it.

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