Monday, June 20, 2011

I have of late, but wherefore I know not lost all my.....

Motivation.  *insert sad face here*


I'm just going to keep reminding myself that this is part of the dance - as I referenced in an earlier post.  I'm not totally sure where or when or what happened.  But I got off track.  And I can't seem to find my way back ON track.  And then I have to wonder in my attempt to combat the inner perfectionist- IS there a track?? 

There seems to be some nebulous "right way" to be doing this.  Or "right way" to need to be feeling about this.  Lodged in my brain. 

So, when I'm not doing it that way - you know, the way I wouldn't even be able to clearly define ANYWAY - I feel like I'm not doing enough.

Here are the things that are falling under "not doing it right".  Let's see if me typing them out adds clarity to the mix.

I can't seem to get a food plan in order.  It's been weeks since I've food planned or charted in a food journal.  Three weeks I believe - since I succumbed to the world of allergy and school being out for the summer.  When I think of the foods in my little file of planning foods, I feel BLAH and don't want to eat a single one of them.

Because I have no food plan, I haven't been to the grocery either.  Which means there is limited food choices in my house.  Which means I give up and eat nothing because I have no plan nor anything that seems "appealing" in the heat of the moment.  Luckily, for now, this isn't leading to bingeing, but it will.  I know it will.  So I know it needs to stop.

I can't seem to get into the swing of "summer" just yet.  Some of it has to do with it not feeling like summer at ALL around here.  Grey, rain, cold.  Gross.  Some of it is because I'm overscheduled.  It's tricky shuffling the kid from place to place, especially in these next two weeks because of swimming lessons.  After that it MAY ease up.  Adding appointments into the mix is just an extra challenge, but I think that's resolved.  And I'm grateful to my family for stepping up and taking on watching the kid extra while I get those done.

My house is a disaster.  Clutter abounds.  And the more cluttered my physical space is, the more cluttered my brain is.  Total truth there.  I can't think straight when everything's everywhere and it's the fight of the "all or nothing" brain - it shuts me down.  The chore list that was so awesome and amazing has fallen by the wayside.  Eating at the table together has fallen by the wayside.  I hide in the office and sit in denial of the mess.

Finances stress me out.  Again, all or nothing taks over and I try to live in denial of the mounting bills.  It's hard to get proactive when you're overwhelmed by owing everyone in the world money.

Aside from that, I'm trying sooooo hard to practice gratitude.  I am so lucky and blessed to have the support I do in this journey.  There are so many people in harder fights.  Not that I'm trying to minimize my own fight, but I'm trying to keep perspective and get motivation from those I've seen go up against bigger challenges and totally kick that challenge's ass. 

Getting used to this middle world of the dance isn't proving to be the easiest place.  But I try to remind myself, the harder the place I'm in, the more I should be attentive to what's happening.  Obviously there's work to be done here.  I just have to find it.

And so the dance continues....

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