In the morning.
To be eaten for breakfast today.
On a school day.
This has never happened before.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Reconciling the images....
We're gearing up for our 20th high school class reunion this upcoming summer. Facebook page all set up, requests for contact information flowing, plans being made. One of the plans is a slide show of photos and people have been posting them on our group site.
This one came up yesterday:
Due to privacy concerns, I cut everyone's faces off.
I'm the girl in the peach. 9th grade dance. I vividly remember that night.
We started at my friend's house for a pre-dance party. *I* had a boyfriend as did one other friend and they were there as well. I was so nervous because I felt so ugly and fat and unattractive and just really wanted my boyfriend to not see any of those things. I felt like my boobs were HUGE and that I was going to look ridiculous in the dress next to all my friends. The friends to either side of me in the picture were the girls I looked at and thought, "If only I could be as skinny as they are!! They're so skinny." It's mind blowing to see this picture and to see no boobs, no belly, none of the physical imperfections I was so sure had neon signs pointing at them. And that I'm smaller than some of the people in the picture and about the same size as the "skinny" girls. Really. I have a hard time reconciling what I see in that picture.
The other part I'm working towards reconciling is what happened later that night at the dance. While my boyfriend and I were slow dancing, he started blowing into my ear and licking it in a totally pervvy 9th grade boy way. And then he pressed closer against me and I felt how turned on he was. And I totally freaked out. Like TOTALLY freaked out. I remember being totally unprepared for something so sexual. The most we'd done at that point was a couple of open mouth kisses and hand holding. I had no basis for how to handle something so forward and instead of it feeling exciting and awesome like our innocent first kiss, it launched me into a full scale panic attack complete with tears. Not right in the moment. In the moment I felt paralyzed. Like I had to let him do this and pretend to be totally fine because I didn't want anyone to know how terrified I was. It felt so wrong and invasive and my brain and ED told me it was because there was something wrong with ME. I should be loving this. What sort of a freak are you?
It also was the catalyst for me feeling like I had to make up grand situations to cover my inability to react in an emotionally appropriate way to things. To protect myself and to keep from looking stupid, when my friends descended on my crying mess of a self, I made up this big story about a boy I had previously dated and how he was so awful to me and dancing with my boyfriend at the dance triggered all that, blah blah blah. I just really needed support and sympathy in that moment and couldn't see that happening with the truth. I really felt like people would think less of me if I just said, "It was too much. I feel uncomfortable." So, I made something up. And it worked. And kept working for years and years. Anytime I felt uncomfortable and needed an emotional buffer especially in relationships/sexual situations, rather than being able to be honest about it, I'd create a grand scenario in which this over the top emotional reaction could live and make sense.
It's funny because I used to think of myself as a compulsive liar and endured a lot of shame at EDs hands because of it. But I don't think that's what it was anymore. It was a coping mechanism and I was a child. I was doing the best I could with the limited tools and resources I had. And when it kept working and kept me safe, I just kept using it. The ability to just turn my inner self off in intimate settings with men just because the norm. Sometimes because I truly liked them and didn't want to be hurt when they'd eventually leave (which is what ED always told me they'd do) and sometimes because they were a complete stranger and I'd gotten myself into a situation where I didn't feel like I was allowed to say no. Those stranger situations were always also fueled my the alcohol I used to buffer against the possibility that NO ONE would find me attractive. Which was even worse.
Anyway, it's a lot of rambling. It's been spinning around in my head for a while now since seeing the picture and in an effort to just give everything I experience during this process a life and a voice, here it is. Hopefully now that it has its own being it can fly away, taking its guilt with it and leave peace in its stead.
This one came up yesterday:
Due to privacy concerns, I cut everyone's faces off.
I'm the girl in the peach. 9th grade dance. I vividly remember that night.
We started at my friend's house for a pre-dance party. *I* had a boyfriend as did one other friend and they were there as well. I was so nervous because I felt so ugly and fat and unattractive and just really wanted my boyfriend to not see any of those things. I felt like my boobs were HUGE and that I was going to look ridiculous in the dress next to all my friends. The friends to either side of me in the picture were the girls I looked at and thought, "If only I could be as skinny as they are!! They're so skinny." It's mind blowing to see this picture and to see no boobs, no belly, none of the physical imperfections I was so sure had neon signs pointing at them. And that I'm smaller than some of the people in the picture and about the same size as the "skinny" girls. Really. I have a hard time reconciling what I see in that picture.
The other part I'm working towards reconciling is what happened later that night at the dance. While my boyfriend and I were slow dancing, he started blowing into my ear and licking it in a totally pervvy 9th grade boy way. And then he pressed closer against me and I felt how turned on he was. And I totally freaked out. Like TOTALLY freaked out. I remember being totally unprepared for something so sexual. The most we'd done at that point was a couple of open mouth kisses and hand holding. I had no basis for how to handle something so forward and instead of it feeling exciting and awesome like our innocent first kiss, it launched me into a full scale panic attack complete with tears. Not right in the moment. In the moment I felt paralyzed. Like I had to let him do this and pretend to be totally fine because I didn't want anyone to know how terrified I was. It felt so wrong and invasive and my brain and ED told me it was because there was something wrong with ME. I should be loving this. What sort of a freak are you?
It also was the catalyst for me feeling like I had to make up grand situations to cover my inability to react in an emotionally appropriate way to things. To protect myself and to keep from looking stupid, when my friends descended on my crying mess of a self, I made up this big story about a boy I had previously dated and how he was so awful to me and dancing with my boyfriend at the dance triggered all that, blah blah blah. I just really needed support and sympathy in that moment and couldn't see that happening with the truth. I really felt like people would think less of me if I just said, "It was too much. I feel uncomfortable." So, I made something up. And it worked. And kept working for years and years. Anytime I felt uncomfortable and needed an emotional buffer especially in relationships/sexual situations, rather than being able to be honest about it, I'd create a grand scenario in which this over the top emotional reaction could live and make sense.
It's funny because I used to think of myself as a compulsive liar and endured a lot of shame at EDs hands because of it. But I don't think that's what it was anymore. It was a coping mechanism and I was a child. I was doing the best I could with the limited tools and resources I had. And when it kept working and kept me safe, I just kept using it. The ability to just turn my inner self off in intimate settings with men just because the norm. Sometimes because I truly liked them and didn't want to be hurt when they'd eventually leave (which is what ED always told me they'd do) and sometimes because they were a complete stranger and I'd gotten myself into a situation where I didn't feel like I was allowed to say no. Those stranger situations were always also fueled my the alcohol I used to buffer against the possibility that NO ONE would find me attractive. Which was even worse.
Anyway, it's a lot of rambling. It's been spinning around in my head for a while now since seeing the picture and in an effort to just give everything I experience during this process a life and a voice, here it is. Hopefully now that it has its own being it can fly away, taking its guilt with it and leave peace in its stead.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
More on this later.....
http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/10/02/things-to-stop-caring-about-today/
Some pretty powerful thoughts in there.....especially those on perfectionism.
Some pretty powerful thoughts in there.....especially those on perfectionism.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
No. I'm not.
Yeah, I just got asked if I was expecting.
Super.
Thanks.
That makes a girl feel real good.
Super.
Thanks.
That makes a girl feel real good.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Like the old timey wild west....
I'm feeling unsettled.
Not sure why. I mean, I have a lot going on just in normal life stuff. But not that much more than usual. My ED has been being challenged a lot more (as is proof in my post from last night) but I feel like I'm meeting that challenge head on - or as head on as I can. My new running program is going great. Food is going well.
Why do I have that little nervous anxious spot in my chest?
The only thing I can pick out from today is a feeling of disappointment about not being included in an upcoming staged reading series. But would that trigger anxiety? Could it come out like that? Not sure.
I guess my plan of attack is to be mindful of it. See if I can meditate a little on what's causing it so I can release it to the universe.
Feeling things is still a tricky concept for me. I still have a tendancy to get that force field up to deflect any negative feelings which may try to sneak my way. Now that I leave it down more often, I'm finding that I do't always have the "right" way to handle things like being disappointed. I guess that comes with practice? Maybe that's what my body is doing right now too. Maybe it needs practice as to how to alert me to what's going on in there emotionally.
We'll work it out, my body, my brain and I. But for today, right in the moment, it's all just a little "blah."
Not sure why. I mean, I have a lot going on just in normal life stuff. But not that much more than usual. My ED has been being challenged a lot more (as is proof in my post from last night) but I feel like I'm meeting that challenge head on - or as head on as I can. My new running program is going great. Food is going well.
Why do I have that little nervous anxious spot in my chest?
The only thing I can pick out from today is a feeling of disappointment about not being included in an upcoming staged reading series. But would that trigger anxiety? Could it come out like that? Not sure.
I guess my plan of attack is to be mindful of it. See if I can meditate a little on what's causing it so I can release it to the universe.
Feeling things is still a tricky concept for me. I still have a tendancy to get that force field up to deflect any negative feelings which may try to sneak my way. Now that I leave it down more often, I'm finding that I do't always have the "right" way to handle things like being disappointed. I guess that comes with practice? Maybe that's what my body is doing right now too. Maybe it needs practice as to how to alert me to what's going on in there emotionally.
We'll work it out, my body, my brain and I. But for today, right in the moment, it's all just a little "blah."
Monday, October 3, 2011
Head meets wall.....
I get irrationally pissed off seeing or hearing people tell someone who is overweight and who has identified eating disorder issues that they just need to count calories or work a little harder and the weight will just come right off.
IT IS NOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT, PEOPLE!!!!
The weight is a symptom. The awful body image and low self esteem is a symptom.
It makes me insane when people lump eating disorders in with lack of self control. In many cases it's the exact opposite.
Just because I'm overweight it doesn't give you permission to judge me and how and why I look the way I do. You have no idea and would have no idea. I make it my mission in life for people to not see that. The judgements create this climate of shame - like you're not even worthy of getting help because clearly you're just a lazy slob. Even if that's not what people say, that's what they're saying.
I know this is an uphill battle against a ridiculous social norm. I know I will not be able to change it all. My goal is to open people's eyes, one by one, through my story and my example. I'll be that thorn in their side with gentle and not so gentle reminders that there are a LOT of people out there and every single one of us lives our own story and our own truth.
No one needs to try make their truth MINE. CHances are, theirs is complete garbage anyway. It may be Utopian and unrealistic, but I will hold out hope for a society who can stop making assumptions about the very make up of others' souls simply based on their body shape. And if I'm holding society to it, no better way than to continue to hold myself to it.
IT IS NOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT, PEOPLE!!!!
The weight is a symptom. The awful body image and low self esteem is a symptom.
It makes me insane when people lump eating disorders in with lack of self control. In many cases it's the exact opposite.
Just because I'm overweight it doesn't give you permission to judge me and how and why I look the way I do. You have no idea and would have no idea. I make it my mission in life for people to not see that. The judgements create this climate of shame - like you're not even worthy of getting help because clearly you're just a lazy slob. Even if that's not what people say, that's what they're saying.
I know this is an uphill battle against a ridiculous social norm. I know I will not be able to change it all. My goal is to open people's eyes, one by one, through my story and my example. I'll be that thorn in their side with gentle and not so gentle reminders that there are a LOT of people out there and every single one of us lives our own story and our own truth.
No one needs to try make their truth MINE. CHances are, theirs is complete garbage anyway. It may be Utopian and unrealistic, but I will hold out hope for a society who can stop making assumptions about the very make up of others' souls simply based on their body shape. And if I'm holding society to it, no better way than to continue to hold myself to it.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Invasion of the body snatchers.....
I think I've turned into a runner!
How did that happen so quickly??! I'm LOVING my C25K training. Aside from the first day and the run last week where we didn't take our rest day, it been.....um......easy. Amazing what a change of mindset can do.
Running to me before starting treatment was something I could never be good enough at and was something I did to punish myself for eating. But I've always sort of WANTED to learn to run. I mean, the people who run, generally, seem to be enjoying themselves. So, by making it fun and not a punishment or something I just knew I was going to fail it, it opened a door.
I may not be the fastest or the prettiest runner you'll ever see, but I can honestly say, "I don't care." I'm loving it. Loving how accomplished I feel when I get another session out of the way. Loving feeling my body being able to take on me challenging it. Loving knowing that I CAN do it if I just get out of my own way. It's like a whole different person is living inside my head these days.
How did that happen so quickly??! I'm LOVING my C25K training. Aside from the first day and the run last week where we didn't take our rest day, it been.....um......easy. Amazing what a change of mindset can do.
Running to me before starting treatment was something I could never be good enough at and was something I did to punish myself for eating. But I've always sort of WANTED to learn to run. I mean, the people who run, generally, seem to be enjoying themselves. So, by making it fun and not a punishment or something I just knew I was going to fail it, it opened a door.
I may not be the fastest or the prettiest runner you'll ever see, but I can honestly say, "I don't care." I'm loving it. Loving how accomplished I feel when I get another session out of the way. Loving feeling my body being able to take on me challenging it. Loving knowing that I CAN do it if I just get out of my own way. It's like a whole different person is living inside my head these days.
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